Dancer in the Dark

I've been meaning to write about this for the past 5 day. But the words don't seem to come me so easily. Then again, that is the problem with language and words. They constrict what you say. Instead of expressing what you mean and what you feel, words have this way of keeping things in little boxes; they keep some things in, and the rest out.Because of language, I can express myself, but because of language, I have no way of expressing something I experienced or something I feel. Not to its fullest extent.

This weekend, Epsylon, Sean, Milo, and myself headed down to Eugene for Remembrance. This rave was set up with two very important intentions. The first was to remember our loved ones who passed away: to celebrate them, to remember the great memories we shared. The second was to raise money to give to the family of a man who died in August on his way home from a rave that we were at.

He had taken some substance that evening in August, danced all night, stayed up all night, and in the morning, on his drive back home, he drove off the mountain. He was exhausted. He didn't stop to rest. He didn't wait and sleep for a few hours before deciding to drive home. I feel horrible for him. Nothing means rushing off like that. Nothing is worth the risk.

So Remembrance, held in his honor. It was an amazing event, with the purist of intentions, with the most wonderful people. It was transformetive for so many on so many different levels. But it is not my place to tell their stories, so I will tell my own. . .

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I was knighted with the lovely task of driving us down there in the evening. I was also self appointed to find some vegan eateries for dinner and breakfast. My two biggest concerns: not falling asleep on that two hour stretch of straight highway, and good food in a foreign place.

The ride was amazing, as opposed to downing the "energy drinks" that I thought I would have to, I was engaged in wonderful conversation by three amazing souls. The topics ranged from electroclash to transcendental experiences to politics. When we arrived in Eugene, I safely docked out party at The Pizza Research Institute, where we all gulped down the best vegan pizza we've ever had. Conversation dropped off at this point as we each fell into the blissful eating state, but the connection still remained the same. Over the course of two hours, a wonderful little community was made. The first time I really have felt this at any electronic event I've been to.

At the party itself, my fatigue started to show itself and I Epsylon and I passed out before his set. Luckily one of our party members came to wake us up in the nick of time. We got the equipment, more water, and set up began. Before Epsylon was done setting up, I place my Durga statue in front of him, took my mala and went to the corner to meditate and chant my mantra till I was at ease.

His set started off with a chant that both quieted the room and centered everyone's intention and attention. It was a short 20 second chant that seemed to go on for an hour. During it my mantra was repeated louder and louder internally as I pranamed to everyone in the crowd, sent off my blessings to each one, and begged for my guru's blessing and love.

And with a boom, his set began. It was a live set, meaning he was mixing in live, contorting sound with his Virus C
live, and playing the piano intuitively along. It was the first set in which he played all of his music. Immediately with that first bar, I felt a rush of emotion that I have only experienced a few other times. This rush was a swelling of unconditional love, joy, omnipresence, groking, and presence. That is the simplest way to describe it.

I felt like I had tapped into the universal source. I was overwhelmed. I thought I was going to explode, fall down crying hysterically, kiss everyone, and leave my body all at once. I've experienced this before, but it always leaves me breathless each time.

I began to dance. Something I've never done when anyone has been around. Raves for over 10 years, and this was the first one that I danced at. I danced as I was filled with emotion. I danced as the music swelled. I danced as the energy of the crowd flowed around me. I danced until I couldn't dance anymore. I wasn't concerned with other people. I was connected with my body, the music, the energy, the being. I was connected.

Other things happened too. I blessed a dog that was unfortunate enough to be brought to such a place. I stopped dancing for her and sent as much love as I could to her. I disagree with them coming to indoor events. Their poor ears. And they must be startled by everyone dancing so erratically. At least with outdoor events, they can run around and chase little critters. I think the dog picked up on me. Immediately, she went from being scared to being calm. On her second time around the floor, this time unleashed, immediately, she came up to me, sat next to me, and allowed me to pet her and give her more love.

A bit after that, I looked over and saw a lovely sitting by the wall in meditation. I don't know why, but immediately I stopped dancing for him too. I walked over, sat down, and began my practice of Hong-Sau, a meditation technique taught by Yoganandagi. There is no explanation for why. I just acted. Today I found out that it was needed and it was felt. I am happy about that. I had no intention other to send him and the crowd love, and I am glad that he received it.

I think I needed it too. After the meditation, I felt more centered, more full of love, but less like I was going to explode. This time, it was washing over me, but not violently like before. I now understand the lyrics, "I am the bubble, lord, I am the sea."

The experience was amazing. I felt connected. To everyone and everything. I felt compassion and unconditional love for everyone. I felt like I was even more deeply connected to my partner and those around me. I felt like I contributed to something wonderful. It was ecstatic. It was paradise. It is not even close to what full samadhi would feel like.

Some Sartre

From The Philosophy of Jean-Paul Sartre

"And I myself - soft, weak, obscene, digesting, juggling with dismal thoughts - I, too, was superfluous. Fortunately, I didn't feel it, rather it was a matter of understanding it; but I was uncomfortable because I was afraid of feeling it (even now I'm afraid - afraid that it might catch me behind my head and lift me up like a wave from the depths). I dreamed vaguely of killing myself to wipe out at least one of these superfluous existences. But even my death would have been superfluous. Superfluous, my corpse, my blood on these stones, between these plants, at the bottom of this smiling garden. And the gnawed flesh would have been superfluous in the earth which would receive my bones, at least, cleaned, peeled, as clean as teeth, it would have been superfluous: I was superfluous for eternity." p61-62

"This moment was extraordinary. I was there, motionless, paralyzed, plunged in a horrible ecstasy. But at the heart of this ecstasy, something new had just appeared, I understood the Nausea, I possessed it." p.64

Now, it might just be me, but it seems that the majority of this book is describing psychedelic experiences. Could it be that my philosophical hero, the one I look up to, was a psychonaut at heart? Is this why so many of his ideas align with mine? I wonder what Ken Wilbur would say on the subject. I wonder what he has said on the subject.

So Tired

I had several dreams about eating last night, and I think I kept swallowing my tongue. I kept waking up as soon as I swallowed something in my dream, gagging and coughing.

Obviously, I lack any of that chemical that your body produces when you sleep that is supposed to render you paralyzed.