Speaking of Slavery

What do you do, when you find out that somewhere in your family, they were slave owners, or that someone your deeply connected to, their family were slave owners?

I guess I'm asking this from a more spiritual stance than an ethnically mixed stance.

How do you deal knowing that you are the direct descendant of slave owners?
How do you deal knowing that your best friend or significant other is the direct descendant?

Now, I'm not saying that you or they are bad people. But does that change the way you view your or their families? By families I mean great-grandparents or great-great-grandparents.

Is there some type of karma or energy that gets passed down?

Now, I suppose it is arguable that we all come from lines of violence. If not, how could we be alive? But slavery, in the US is something that was going on not too long ago. To me that feels very fresh in our history even though I didn't experience, nor did my mother.

I don't know. I know it is a touchy subject. I suppose it's just something that I thought about today and am interested in exploring and understanding.

Aztec Poi Fusian

So, I have had a problem with performing, and I have avoided it at all costs over the past few years. It makes me wheezy to think about, and for some reason, I disconnect from my body and freak out.

On Saturday night, I put myself to the test and did something that I hadn't done since 8th grade. I got up in front of everyone, and performed in the Latina Cultural Show at Wellesley College. Now, when I say everyone, I mean a full auditorium of a few hundred people. How many people? More than there were seats. There were people sitting on the floor in the front, up and down the aisles, and standing in the doorways.

My fingers shook, my breath was fast, I was hyperventilating; I thought I was going to pass out. The 3 minutes seemed to take ages. I thought I would die.

People screamed when we came out. I heard my name being said said. They screamed throughout the performance. They screamed at the end.

I slowly walked off stage, convinced I was going to keel over.
I burst out crying. From the adrenaline. From the anxiety. From the emotion. From all of it.

I am never performing again.
Ever.

Moving

I have come to my decision. I am withdrawing from Wellesley, moving to Portland with Epsilon, and pursuing a life in Web Design, Yoga, DJing, Love and Happiness.

Hooray.

It is so exciting. More to come.

Support Oh Rama

THURSDAY - Dinner with Linnea and Eleanor: beer, bread, cheese, avocado, arugula, tomato, artichoke, zip cars, debaucherous stories, and funny phone calls. Drive to the airport to pick up my mom, and drive back to School.

FRIDAY - Breakfast (grapefruit + tater tots), Art History (fell asleep), Java Programming (midterm #2), lunch, psychiatrist appointment (tried to convince me for antidepressants), CPK for dinner (fettucini + chocolate souffle), shopping till my arms fell off, returned to School, decided against psyforia, and slept.

TODAY - Wake up late, brunch (grapefruit + waffle), mom tells me I'm too skinny and she can see my ribs and it doesn't look right, Wild West on TV, library for homework.


My mother has come out to visit me for this weekend. Partly because she misses me, and partly because I cried too much a couple weeks ago. I love her, and it is so nice to be around her. I notice that when Brennan comes and stays in my room for a week straight, it's not a big deal to me. I can handle it, his energy is calming for me, and we fill space nicely together. When I am in my room with my mom however, I feel cramped, and like I need to run away. I am on edge, a little anxious. But it as been good to visit with her. She is lovely, and I am sad we only have two days left. Such a short trip. It is good though. I will be home in a month.

A Little Rumi for You and I

THE SILK WORM

I stood before a silk worm one day.
And that night my heart said to me,

"I can do things like that, I can spin skies,
I can be woven into love that can bring warmth to people;
I can be soft against a crying face,
I can be wings that lift, and I can travel on my thousand feet
throughout the eart,
my sacks filled
with the
sacred."

And I replied to my heart,

"Dear, can you really do all those things?"

And it just nodded "Yes'
in silence.

So we began and will never
cease.