Prayer Lists.

I haven't meditated in a while. Brennan told me last night that I need to, as it will help me with my sadness. He is right. But rolling over and going to sleep was so much easier.

I think I will try and do this more. At first it is always hard. But then it becomes easier and easier.
5 minutes. Every night. My new goal.

I think I will also come up with a prayer list, to put out a good energy and vibration for those who need love and healing.
So, if there is someone you want/think would benefit from it, please, let me know.

Spring Break 2006

Less than 4 days till Epsilon arrives
3 days and 8 hours till Epsilon arrives.
That's 80 hours.
Or 4800 minutes.
Or 288000 seconds.

Okay, that might be obsessing a little, but I am so excited to see my honey, especially have doing so much work on our relationship in the past month.

We have done a lot to make our bond a lot stronger, and to work on and better ourselves. Our relationship is so fulfilling because we never allow the other to be lazy, or to stop growing. It is a must, a requirement for us to be with each other, and the lovely thing about it is that there is infinite room for growth. The nice thing is that we both have strengths in different areas. He is stronger in his emotional growth, and I in my practical growth. Spiritually, we are on par, so we are able to explore things together. And we are able to support each other when the other is growing in a field that we are already strong in.

Mmmmm. . . how nice and loving.

My Roots

The question of the month posed by my mother has been "When did I start to raise a hippie child?", "How did you become a hippie?" or something along those lines to infer that she hadn't actually raised me this way, and it's a bizarre thing that I am the way I am.

At first, I told her it was that hippie church she raised me in. Now, I don't really think it's hippie, but come on, SRF isn't exactly the normative here in the US. Eastern philosophies such a dharma, karma, samadhi, omnipresence, etc, aren't exactly the normal ways to viewing things.

And then I told her that it was New Roads. 6-12 grade, pure hippie-ness. From classes in middle school on the beach, to yoga as a P.E. requirement, to Mysteries, Connections (if you know what these two things are, you a hippie too. Don't lie), to smoking the peace pipe with a shaman in the sweat lodge my senior year, it was not a normal conservative school.

And I even pressed her, saying that because she raised me Vegan, because I'm biracial, because of my bizarre childhood, I've had to deal with being different, and I have learned to accept others for their differences, regardless of beliefs, and that in doing so, it has reaffirmed to me that I should be accepted regardless of my beliefs.

But now, now it has all come together. The sole cause of my hippie-ness is none other than my favorite childhood friend: David the Gnome.



I mean, a doctor gnome who uses acupuncture, smokes from a hookah, is against pollution, and grows a long crazy beard? Of course. It all makes sense. My hippie-ness has been in the works since I was 4.

Good job Nickelodeon. You win. Now go put all of them on DVD so that I can buy them and be nostalgic in my bed with my glow worm, lite brite, and my Charlie Brown movies too.

The Whole Spectrum

+ Brennan spoke to his mother, and now I know for sure that she actually likes me. This greatly puts my mind at ease when thinking about going to Taos, our families, and our future.
+ I spoke with my mom about things that are going on for me, and she was able to listen.
+ I woke up this morning and I heard birds outside my window.
+ It is getting warmer.
+ Tomorrow I start therapy.
+ I have conquered the interlibrary loan system, and my book on yoga is here, waiting for me to pick it up
+ I got sweet love notes written in Hindi.
+ Brennan comes out in two weeks.
+ Brennan is threatening to put Reason on my computer and have me start making music.
+ I'm going to dread my hair during spring break.


. I have two midterms this week.
. I have my radio show this week.
. I am hungry, but yoga starts in an hour or so.
. I have a job for this weekend, but at least that is $200.


- I have to catch up on missed work.
- This stupid paper is still killing me.
- I am still having a hard time focusing on things.

Questions with No Answers

Throughout my entire life I have found that I seem to have this awesome capability of questioning everyone and everything. It is how I first learned. I wasn't told "No". My mother made it distinctly clear that "No" was never a sufficient answer. Never because "she said so". There was always some wonderful logical explanation for everything and even when it was too complex for my little mind to grasp, it was always, "You won't understand this one, but trust me, it makes sense because . . . ." Those were the answers I could accept. The ones with Logical quick responses, the ones that were too complex for me, but I was asked to trust, or the ones where the other person said, "You know, I really don't know, but I imagine there must be a good explanation, so let's figure it out."

So then enters my education. In recent conversation, I learned that when my mom went to parent teacher meetings, she was told that I was rowdy in class and disrespectful. Was I? No. It's really that teachers don't like being probed for logical questions by 3rd graders. No, in high school, some of them weren't fans of being questioned by 17 year olds. It's not my fault they didn't know the answers to what they were teaching.

My best teachers have always been the ones who acknowledge that they don't know everything. In fact, that they knew very little of anything that had to do with anything in the world. What they did know, they wanted to teach, and what they didn't, they were eager to learn. These were the teachers that had my respect. They allowed room for far more than themselves. I was able to choose them as my teachers, rather, they were given to me, but I was able to choose to learn and respect and and invest my energy into them.

But then comes the idea of my guru. He was given to me, at a young age, and I have always questioned everything he has said, and yet, there was always an honest logical answer. Well, as logical as spirituality can go, since it is based on assumptions I suppose you could argue. But he is dead, and while I cannot question him, I can question his writings and his teachings. They all support one another and there is no inconsistency that I can put my finger on. Dualities yes, but dualities are not inconsistencies. It is indeed possible to live in two different times and spaces at once. I know this, it is a daily event.

If I can't ask him questions myself, how can I know for a fact that he is my guru? I didn't choose him. I value his teachings, but they don't seem like enough for me. I feel like I am drinking and drinking and still so thirsty for more, for deeper answers, for a greater knowing and understanding. I want my own guru who I feel connected with and who I yearn to be around all the time, but I can't feel that way about a dead teacher who I have never met.

Of course, he is not the knowledge and I already know him, as I know myself. But still. I admire him, love his stories, his teachings, and his philosophies, but they don't quite leave me satiated enough. I think soon, I will have to take a journey to find my true guru.

But who knows, perhaps they are sitting right next to me.