Questions with No Answers

Throughout my entire life I have found that I seem to have this awesome capability of questioning everyone and everything. It is how I first learned. I wasn't told "No". My mother made it distinctly clear that "No" was never a sufficient answer. Never because "she said so". There was always some wonderful logical explanation for everything and even when it was too complex for my little mind to grasp, it was always, "You won't understand this one, but trust me, it makes sense because . . . ." Those were the answers I could accept. The ones with Logical quick responses, the ones that were too complex for me, but I was asked to trust, or the ones where the other person said, "You know, I really don't know, but I imagine there must be a good explanation, so let's figure it out."

So then enters my education. In recent conversation, I learned that when my mom went to parent teacher meetings, she was told that I was rowdy in class and disrespectful. Was I? No. It's really that teachers don't like being probed for logical questions by 3rd graders. No, in high school, some of them weren't fans of being questioned by 17 year olds. It's not my fault they didn't know the answers to what they were teaching.

My best teachers have always been the ones who acknowledge that they don't know everything. In fact, that they knew very little of anything that had to do with anything in the world. What they did know, they wanted to teach, and what they didn't, they were eager to learn. These were the teachers that had my respect. They allowed room for far more than themselves. I was able to choose them as my teachers, rather, they were given to me, but I was able to choose to learn and respect and and invest my energy into them.

But then comes the idea of my guru. He was given to me, at a young age, and I have always questioned everything he has said, and yet, there was always an honest logical answer. Well, as logical as spirituality can go, since it is based on assumptions I suppose you could argue. But he is dead, and while I cannot question him, I can question his writings and his teachings. They all support one another and there is no inconsistency that I can put my finger on. Dualities yes, but dualities are not inconsistencies. It is indeed possible to live in two different times and spaces at once. I know this, it is a daily event.

If I can't ask him questions myself, how can I know for a fact that he is my guru? I didn't choose him. I value his teachings, but they don't seem like enough for me. I feel like I am drinking and drinking and still so thirsty for more, for deeper answers, for a greater knowing and understanding. I want my own guru who I feel connected with and who I yearn to be around all the time, but I can't feel that way about a dead teacher who I have never met.

Of course, he is not the knowledge and I already know him, as I know myself. But still. I admire him, love his stories, his teachings, and his philosophies, but they don't quite leave me satiated enough. I think soon, I will have to take a journey to find my true guru.

But who knows, perhaps they are sitting right next to me.